I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
