Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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