Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize