The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
