I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
