I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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