I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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