ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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