Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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