i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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