oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
