I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
