I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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