im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't deserve a penis
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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