So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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