drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize