So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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