woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Your cock deserves a montage
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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