Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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