having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
