i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
