I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
