there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
