I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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