ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We're too hungover to prance.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
