it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
