the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
