How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
