im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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