Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
