It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
