You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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