I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
