i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
