im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Non-Jews are for practice
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
