I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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