I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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