then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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