dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
