I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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