Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
