ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My balls are so social today.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
