I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
