just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
