I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
