Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
