I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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