i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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