I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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