the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
