Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize