where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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