I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
